Curiosity: The Cure for Loneliness?
Introverted, alone, and fighting to connect
I have never made friends easily, and at sixty-seven, I feel like I’m running out of time. Is the deck stacked against me? I don’t play golf, I don’t drink, I don’t own a fishing boat, and I don’t watch sports on TV.
I don’t think so. Fortunately, I have a plan.
The plan.
The more I encounter common ground with others, the more likely I am to build friendships. And the more curious and open-minded I am to new experiences, the more common grounds I will discover.
Introversion and shyness are not the same thing.
I am introverted by nature but not paralyzed by shyness. People often confuse the two.
The American Psychological Association (APA) describes shyness as a tendency to feel “worried or tense in social situations.” Shyness implies an element of fear.
The APA describes introversion as “preferring social situations involving minimal stimulation.” More importantly, introversion is considered a personality trait, something relatively stable throughout life. Introversion does not infer fear.
I’m not afraid of small social gatherings or making friends — I just don’t like pursuing relationships in a crowd. I despise bars, clubs, and strut-your-stuff parties — they drain and frustrate me.
Away from the noise of crowds, friendship is easier to find.
I connect easily with a small group of like-minded people. We don’t have to be interested in the same things, but sharing the same values is critically important. Let’s just say that I wouldn’t do well in a highly conservative arena. I’m a liberal thinker.
In a few weeks, I’m going to Colorado to visit a friend who has promised to teach me how to fly fish — a lifelong dream of mine. I bond with people almost immediately in those kinds of situations. Standing in a river with just one other person, enjoying the sights and sounds of the wilderness, is my idea of paradise.
When my spirit is at peace, I am more open to connection.
When my spirit is in turmoil, I shut down.
It doesn’t take a lot of chaos for introverts to shut down.
Curiosity leads to connections.
I love outdoor photography and hiking. Recently, I met two guys in Grand Teton National Park standing beside their tripods overlooking a majestic landscape. It was easy to start a conversation about our love of photography, the wilderness, and storytelling.
In less than an hour, we made plans to reconnect this fall, when the aspens are vibrant yellow, and the grizzlies are foraging for food in preparation for hibernation. How cool is that?
If I had never followed my curiosity into the world of digital photography, especially nature and landscape photography, I would never have made those connections.
I need to move somewhere that will nourish my soul while satisfying my hunger for human connection and companionship. I just have to convince my partner to move.
Finding similar opportunities where I live in South Florida seems hard to come by. Again, I don’t golf, own a fishing boat, or watch sports on TV (I don’t watch TV, period).
I’m lonely where I am and sometimes think something is wrong with me.
If I could have more of one thing, it would be time (but not alcohol).
After a male-dominated career in military aviation, I chose elementary education, a profession dominated by women.
I made friends easily in the military, but maintaining those friendships was almost impossible for me since I moved every three years or so. Most of my female colleagues in the teaching world were much younger than me, and most had small children.
During my teaching career, I spent most of my time either at home with my partner or alone. I did take up ballroom dancing for a few years but was bombarded by unwanted sexual advances from single and sometimes married women. I gave it up. (women outnumbered men five to one)
I need time not only for myself but also to create meaningful relationships. I need time to share everyday experiences with prospective friends, things like working on woodworking projects together, going to Starbucks, or taking long walks. The less extravagant, the better, but I need a little time.
I refuse to go to sports bars and drink beer — besides, I don’t drink alcohol. If a bonding experience requires the lubricating effects of alcohol, I am not interested. You would be astonished at how many friendships revolve around drinking. Take drinking out of the picture, and lots of people will vanish.
Some people have bucket lists — I have a learning list.
While I treasure time to build friendships, I don’t buy into the notion that they require decades to develop. I don’t have that much time. Yes, having several friendships that go back forty years would have been nice, but I don’t. I have the here and now and am looking forward, not backward.
Anything is possible if I continue to invest in my own explorations and harvest the fruits of my curiosity. By investing in myself, I am also investing in others. Becoming conversant in photography opened doors to friendships with people that otherwise would have been closed to me.
I’m writing another story about my learning list. Here’s a sample of what’s on it:
- Learn woodworking skills and build a dining room table.
- Learn Spanish.
- Learn Tai-chi.
- Learn astrophotography.
- Earn a MFA in creative writing.
I mentioned my plan a moment ago — it revolves around my learning list. Next up is astrophotography. I have a friend of a friend who built a small observatory in his even smaller home in Everglades City. I plan on spending time with him.
As my drill instructor once said, “Whatever you do, don’t quit. Walk if necessary, but never stop.”
I don’t plan on stopping — I have a plan.